sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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