Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Randomize
