It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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