Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize