I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
