just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
