have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
