so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize