If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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