you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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