so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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