My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
