This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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