i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
