you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
