I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
