Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
