I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
