I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I came so hard my ears popped.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
