He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
