Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
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