Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
