trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
