I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
