I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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