it's like heaven, but drunker
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
