Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
