i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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