A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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