i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Drunk is a universal language darling
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
