been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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