Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
