I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
