those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
