When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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