Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
