Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
