I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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