my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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