Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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