note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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