Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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