I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
