Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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