well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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