i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
