just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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