I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
