Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
