A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
