It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
