Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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