Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
