Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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