he wants to bone in the snuggie
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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