just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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