If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
