Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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