i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
