I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
