70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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