Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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