apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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