I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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